Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 15: “Kissin’ Cousins.”
Ooh, this episode is getting under my skin already. Ashley is taking a magazine personality quiz about how good a friend she is, and clearly has no self-awareness as she marks down that she’s a great listener while at the same time is totally brushing Tamira off. Though when the words out of Tamira’s mouth are “I just don’t understand how Cassidy could just steal Max from right under my nose,” I as the viewer don’t exactly want to empathize either - Max has agency of his own and can make choices too.
Jimmy walks up and invites the girls to come with him to visit some Irish relatives when they dock in Dublin the next day. Ashley declines, but Tamira agrees, though she’s clearly concerned when the other people coming are revealed to be Sean and Cassidy, and even further heartbroken when she sees Max giving Cassidy a piggy-back ride in the distance, all smiles and goofing off. So instead, she offers to help Ashley find relatives of her own by going to the historical society.
After the theme song, we’re off-ship in Ireland, and we find Jimmy, Sean and Cassidy being walked through a castle by housekeeper Minnie, who introduces them to Lord Liam, Jimmy’s cousin. Elsewhere, Max, Alex and Denise come across a salesman who literally calls himself Gregory O’Grifter, and Alex is still willing to buy a video game knickknack (at least Denise and Max look skeptical).
Back on-ship, Tamira lugs in a box of photocopied records - Ashley had to wait for her pedicure to dry so stayed back, but she faxed her dad who faxed a genealogist who faxed her a family tree, effectively nullifying all the work Tamira did for her.
While playing with swords and pieces of armor they were already asked to leave alone, Jimmy, Sean and Cassidy knock into a bookshelf and accidentally open up a secret room that they call and does look like a medieval torture chamber. Jimmy gets closed in a sarcophagus and Cassidy tries out the stocks, quipping that she’d like to get Tamira in there for an hour or a week. Sean asks what their deal is, and while I don’t necessarily disagree with Cassidy’s assessment of “Tamira thinks her kiddie crush on Max puts him off the market; she’s selfish, immature, and it’s totally not my problem,” Sean does, replying, “It’s a good thing you’re not best friends or anything, right?” and Cassidy acknowledges that the possibility of them getting back there is becoming less and less likely.
In the ship’s coffeehouse, now Max and Alex both have the video game devices, as does literally everyone else in the room, and Denise is horrified.
Ashley and Tamira also wind up at a castle (this feels foreboding) to meet Ashley’s relatives, and while Ashley is thrilled, Tamira is less so - she’s drenched because she fell in the moat and Ashley didn’t help her out. Lo and behold, it is Jimmy who answers the door! Ashley is definitely less excited now, and Tamira and Cassidy aren’t happy to see each other either, even getting into it at afternoon tea and stomping off in separate directions.
As usual, Sean can’t help but meddle - he comes up with a plan and inserts himself in the middle of the drama. He follows Cassidy to get her side of the story:
C: I didn’t know that she liked Max and I didn’t know that Max liked me. I only know that I like Max and now Tamira doesn’t like me.
S: Careful, you’re starting to sound like her.
C: We used to be such good friends, I just miss her.
S: Why don’t you tell her that? I bet you she feels the same way.
C: No way, she started it!
S: ‘She started it’? What are you, like, three?
We can see the lightbulb click in Sean’s brain when he tells Cassidy to meet him in the torture chamber after dinner, pretending they’re going to test the rack out on Jimmy.
At dinner, a burping contest breaks out, in which everyone except Ashley but including Lord Liam participates. Ashley is mortified, so when Minnie asks if she can show the teen some photos, Ashley brushes her off, just as she treated her like a servant earlier in the day at teatime. Lord Liam then has to break it to her that she’s not related to him but to Minnie instead. Ashley might not like that she’s descended from servants instead of nobility, but she is very grateful to not be related to Jimmy.
Back on the ship, Denise has somehow gotten access to a megaphone and is begging her classmates to “Please step away from the video games; they are a form of mind control!” As might be expected, no one listens to her.
Just as I suspected, in the torture chamber, Tamira enters looking for Sean, comes upon Cassidy in the stocks instead, and has closed the door so whoops they’re stuck. FINALLY, Tamira has the realization that “It’s not your fault if Max likes you better than me - it’s not like you’re gorgeous and fun and funny on purpose or anything,” (this feels like it needs to end with a :P emoticon) and they are best friends again.
On the ship again, Denise shows Max and Alex pictures of Irish tourist sites, trying to get them to understand that “You can play video games anytime, but this may be the only chance you have to see Ireland. Next time we’re stuck at sea for two weeks and you guys are all bored with your toys, you’re going to be real sorry you didn’t get out there and experience Ireland while you had the chance.” In this case I agree with her, but then she gets a trash can out, expecting her classmates to toss their devices away - I think there’s maybe a middle ground, but then they actually do; seems they’ve finished the game and are ready to make full use of their last 10 hours in Ireland.
Back in the castle, Ashley comes to find Minnie looking through an old photo album. She apologizes for her behavior, sits with her newfound cousin, and learns that the beautiful woman she’s looking at is actually her great-great-grandmother Dolores who immigrated from Ireland to America.
To end this port stop, Tamira and Denise are recapping their adventures to each other in the coffeehouse when Jimmy announces that he found a trash can full of video game devices - as might be expected, Denise runs off trying to stop this next set of classmates from playing, leaving Tamira sitting alone and a little bewildered. Max and Cassidy come in, arm in arm and all smiles, and after Max gives Cassidy a quick kiss before heading to order at the register, Cassidy notices the look on Tamira’s face. She tries to convince Tamira that even though it’s hard to see Max and Cassidy together, there are plenty of guys who would love to go out with her, but Tamira isn’t so sure. After Max calls Cassidy over, making sure the coffee he got for the two of them doesn’t get cold, Sean comes in and starts doing a Riverdance in front of Tamira, in costume and everything, making her giggle. Is this where we’re headed?!
Don’t change that channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.
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