Welcome back to Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown! Today we recap Breaker High, episode 4: “Don’t Get Curried Away.”
We are officially in a time before social media, as the episode starts with Ashley requesting that Tamira take a photo of her with an actual camera so she can show her boyfriend back home, Tyler (who goes to Princeton, might she remind you), what it’s like on the ship. And of course, Ashley’s “everyday outfit” that she wears for said photo includes a feather boa and a tiara, unironically.
After taking the photo, Tamira immediately brings the mood down by asking, “Do you ever think about Tyler cheating on you? You know what they say about those college girls.” Ashley brushes it off and remembers she promised to call Tyler when the ship docked in India - seems that’s now! Except when she dials, a woman’s voice answers the phone. We don’t hear what Tyler says when he eventually comes on the line, but we can tell from Ashley’s verbal response that he asked if she’s sitting down and from her facial expression that this can’t be anything good.
We come back from the theme song to our favorite group of teenagers eating a meal in an Indian restaurant and Tony letting them know he’s off to the market. He references the episode’s title and puns, “Don’t get curried away,” which no one responds positively to; I appreciate the show’s writers making fun of themselves here so I’ll give them a shoutout.
Sean and Jimmy think it’ll be funny to have a hot pepper eating contest so stuff several in their mouths and immediately regret it, though of course their bravado turns their next words into “I bet I can drink more water than you!” Cassidy, Denise, Tamira and Max look on, bewildered at their antics. As the newbie, Max wants to know where the endless competitive streak came from, and apparently it stems from a wet T-shirt contest in Samoa that Jimmy won (to which Sean retorts “Listen, the Samoans have a completely different standard of beauty!”). Normally baby Ryan Gosling would be the expected wet T-shirt contest winner, so I see where Sean is coming from, but also understand why Jimmy is a little offended. The rematch maybe didn’t need to be in the middle of the restaurant using the water pitchers on the table, but at least the server takes it in stride and says, “Too close to call.”
Later that day, back on the ship, Sean and Jimmy walk past a girl advertising sign-ups for a hot coal walk - one guess where this is going. She tells them that an introductory prep class is required; after she walks away, Sean says, “I don’t need a prep class,” and Jimmy’s response of “Yeah, well, I don’t have any class,” is perhaps not what he intended to say. Given that they’re both struggling with the heat of the pool deck on their bare feet after it’s been baking in the sun, I don’t have very high hopes for either of them.
We find Ashley eating a pint of ice cream while walking on a Stairmaster-esque step machine, and Alex also quickly notices the contradiction. Ashley explains, “When I’m depressed I eat, and when I eat I gain weight, which only makes me more depressed. If I step while I eat, it’s a wash.” Alex asks why she’s depressed, and Ashley says she’s homesick, but we as the viewers and Alex can tell that’s a lie. He recognizes that she’s got on an “I have just broken up with my boyfriend” face; when we combine this realization with what we know about Alex from past episodes, I have to say, I don’t know how conscious emotional intelligence was in the writing of male characters in the ‘90s, but I’m definitely here for it.
Ashley wants to know how Alex figured out why she’s upset, and he responds, “When you have three sisters, you learn how to tell two very important things: How to tell when a girl has a broken heart, and the answer is always, ‘No, you don’t look fat in that dress.’” Okay, there’s the ‘90s body image rhetoric. Hearing Alex say that does make Ashley giggle, though, so I suppose I can forgive it for the moment. And I was going to get mad about Alex stealing Ashley’s ice cream, but then he feeds her a scoop, which is kind of adorable. Then he puts her through the first paces of “Alex’s Three-Step Program to Cure a Broken Heart”: getting out your frustrations, whether on a punching bag (he may have to goad her into hitting hard, but it works) or throwing darts at the person’s picture (okay Alex, I see the way you’re helping Ashley throw and looking at her).
We cut to the fire-walking prep class and more of our teens are in it than I was expecting - Tamira, Max, Cassidy and Denise are all at the front of the pack. Sean and Jimmy show up right at the end, pretending they were looking for marshmallows and using that as their excuse for being late. The first four use the meditation techniques they learned to walk across the coals without any issues, but after making fun of the traditional ways, Sean and Jimmy immediately fail, and then to add insult to injury have to watch an older woman using a walker make her way over with no problems.
Later that night, back on the ship, Alex is gloating to Ashley about his exploits as football team quarterback. When she doesn’t get the sports references, he starts talking in shopping analogies, comparing his two-minute drive to a sale at Saks when there’s only one pair of beautiful high heels left and two people going for them (in this case, a game-winning touchdown is purchasing the shoes right as the store is closing). Ashley appreciates his efforts, both in his explanations and attempts to make her feel better about her breakup, and gives him a hug. Alex downplays his response, saying it’s all part of his program, and when Ashley asks what step three is, he leans in as if he’s about to kiss her (the audience is expecting it, I think she’s expecting it) but instead whispers in her ear, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
The next morning, Ashley is taking Tyler’s picture off her wall when Alex knocks at her door. Apparently step three is “experience new things,” so they head to the bustling Indian market, where they browse through stalls selling jewelry, colorful clothes and spicy snacks, and even try cricket and dance to sitar music.
Back on the ship, in the cafeteria, Sean snaps at a teen he thinks is laughing at him for failing to do the coal walk, and Max rightly calls him out for being paranoid. Sean responds with, “Why’d I find a copy of Of Mice and Men outside my bedroom door this morning? Is that some kind of slight on my manhood?” No, it’s just the next book they’re reading for English class; Max, Tamira, Cassidy and Denise all have copies too. Cassidy consoles Sean with, “We don’t think any less of you; we didn’t really think that much of you in the first place.” Basically, stop acting like the main character. That works for about a minute, until the chef (whose name we learn is Nigel) puts some chicken (get it) on Sean’s plate, and Sean’s only response is “Stop torturing me!”
That night, Jimmy dreams about getting married to a “fabulous babe” with Tony officiating, but the wedding is interrupted by the old woman who did the coal walk when Jimmy and Sean couldn’t. She tells Jimmy’s almost-wife about the incident, and instead of “I do” the young blonde says “I don’t, you coward,” and slaps him, and real-life Jimmy’s eyes snap open, waking him from the nightmare.
Alex drops Ashley back off at her room and notices the pictures of Tyler she hadn’t had the chance to take down yet. She gets a little sad about how happy they looked, and Alex says, “Nobody takes pictures of the bad times,” so highlight reels existed even before Instagram. They continue joking as they move closer together and this time really do almost kiss, but of course a phone rings, and who else could it be but Tyler (can’t blame her for picking up, as I am unsure if caller ID was a widespread thing yet). He begs for her to take him back, asks her to tell him she still loves him, which she does, and Alex leaves without a word.
The next day on the pool deck, Sean and Jimmy are yet again bemoaning their failure and its fallout. When Tony comes around the corner and says they’re leaving India that night so it’s now or never to get anything else done while they’re there, I think we know what’s coming next. And sure enough, this time, they take the prep class, chant the meditative phrase and succeed, with their friends cheering them on.
We cut to Alex bench pressing on the ship alone (I know you’re mopey, but come on, have someone spot you). To make matters worse, Ashley comes along and he has to pretend to be happy that she and Tyler are likely getting back together. She kisses him on the cheek as a thank-you for helping her through the past few days, even referencing a new inside joke, and darn it if his face isn’t saying EVERYTHING right now. After Ashley walks away, it’s Alex’s turn to hit the punching bag.
Sean and Jimmy pretend they’ve learned a lesson about missing out because of how competitive they are for about one second, until they’re razzing each other about how little they’re going to sleep because of how hyped the coal walk made them. These two are grating enough as it is; I don’t even want to think about what being sleep-deprived would do.
To end the episode, in the midst of telling Ashley about the second fire walk, Tamira realizes Ashley isn’t listening and starts saying the most ridiculous things she can think of - Jimmy turned into a snake and swallowed Sean whole, and Cassidy and Max stripped and went skinny dipping in piranha-infested waters. Her hypothesis is confirmed when Ashley responds with, “That’s nice,” but what she doesn’t hear as she leaves the room saying, “You’re off in Tyler-land; there are more important things in life than him,” Ashley says, “You might be right,” and we zoom in on a photo of her and Alex from their market day. (They’re clad in Punjabi clothing, so I do have to mention a line from earlier, where Ashley mentions that Tyler would never wear something like that; the only foreign thing he would get into is a sports car. What?!)
This Alex and Ashley storyline is EXACTLY the kind of cheese I want in my teeny bopper TV shows. Budding potential romance while exploring a new country? Repeat this plot point in every episode, sign me up, this is why I’m here. I know why the writers are dragging out what we know is coming, but come on, just give it to me.
Don’t change that channel! We’ll be right back on Teeny Bopper TV Breakdown.
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